dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I intend to get homeless drunk
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
