now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Randomize
