i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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