12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
