It's like God shit irony all over that family
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
