you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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