what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
