I can't watch pbs sober anymore
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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