did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
