8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
In other news, I just burned my penis
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
