You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Randomize
