Im at strip club and am horny
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
