I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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