seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
