I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
