Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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