Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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