You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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