yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
