I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
True but thats because hes a fetus.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
