Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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