I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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