he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
