apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
