I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
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He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
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Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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