You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Randomize
