Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
My penis needs a shock collar
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
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