i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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