tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
