Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
