Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
