the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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