Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
