mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
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