oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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