yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
