I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Im part way to drunk.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
