she looked like the bat from fern gully.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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