The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
