You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
