I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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