I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
