god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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