I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
