Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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