and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
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