if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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