FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Pooping to opera.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
