i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
