Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
