Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
