the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Randomize
