STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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