i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
