dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
