In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
