Who wears a wallet chain?!
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
