i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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